There really is nothing quite like the power of humor and laughter to cure a depressed heart. You know what they say, laughter is the best medicine, and funny jokes have undoubtedly proven to be the best pills without a prescription on the market. Releasing both your mind and body from tension and stress with the help of endorphin, sharing a couple of short jokes with friends gives your immune system a boost even more than you imagine. Who knew funny one liners could have such an impact on your overall health, right?
So you see, you don’t need a sad movie, a whole box of tissues and ice cream to chase those blues away, you just need someone to tell you the most hilarious joke they know to get you in a good mood and crackin’ up! Even if you don’t have that someone to cheer you up, you can still do it yourself; just get online and find a bunch of funny pick up lines and funny texts to start with and enjoy. That’s how you’ll come accross the funniest jokes, even if you weren’t looking for them. And here they are, twenty of the best ones!
1. What are the three rings of marriage?
The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.
2. Little Johnny walked in one day on his daddy in the bathroom. He asked his father what that was hanging between his legs. His father replied that it was the perfect penis. The next day at school, Johnny pulled his pants down in front of his classmates.
”What’s that?” asked Jenny.
”Well,” said Johnny, ”if it was about 3 inches smaller, it would be the perfect penis.”
3. An old man finds a condom in his grandson’s apartment and asks what it is.
“It’s a condom,” replies the grandson, sheepishly.
“What do you use it for?” asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, “I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain.”
Grandpa says, “That’s a great idea.” He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a condom.
“What size would you like?” asks the pharmacist.
“Big enough to fit a Camel.”
4. A brunette goes to the doctor and says, “Everywhere I touch it hurts.”
He asks “What do you mean?”
So she showed him what she meant. She touched her knee and said “Ouch!” Then she touched her chest and said, “Ouch!” Then her shoulder, “Ouch!”
The doctor looks at her and asks, “You’re really blonde, aren”t you?”
She replies “Yes, as a matter of fact I am. How did you guess?”
Doctor says, “Well your finger is broken.”
5. A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, “That’s amazing. How did you get that?”
The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish. He rubs the bottle, and a puff of smoke pops out and tells him that he can have one wish. So the man thinks and says, “I wish I had a million bucks.”
The genie says, “OK, go outside, and your wish will be granted.”
The man goes outside, but all he finds are ducks filling the sky and roads. He goes back in and tells his friend what happend, and his friend replies, “I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?”
6. Little Johnny’s first grade class was playing “Name That Animal.” The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, “What animal is this?”
“A cat!” said Suzy.
“Good job. Now, what’s this animal?”
“A dog!” said Ricky.
“Good. Now what animal is this?” she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, “It’s what your mom calls your dad.”
“I know!” called out Little Johnny. “A horny bastard!”
7. What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common?
They’re both a great ride until someone sees you on one.
8. An old lady goes to the doctor and says, “I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 10 times since I’ve been here, and I bet you didn’t even notice!”
The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back next week.”
The next week the old lady returns. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens.”
The doctor says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
9. A lawyer dies and goes to the end of a long line at the Pearly Gates. To his surprise, St. Peter leaves his desk, walks over and greets him warmly. An angel takes the lawyer by the hand, guides him to the front of the line and settles him into a comfortable chair.
The lawyer says, “I appreciate all this attention, but what makes me so special?”
St. Peter replies, “Well, we’ve added up all the hours that you billed your clients, and by my calculation, you must be about 193 years old!”
10. A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: “Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.”
A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. “Dear husband, you wouldn’t believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden.”
The prisoner writes back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce.”
11. Four expectant fathers pace in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, “Congratulations, you’re the father of twins.”
“What a coincidence,” the man says. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”
A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, “You are the father of triplets.”
“That’s really an incredible coincidence,” he answers. “I work for the 3M Corporation.”
An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets.
The man says, “I don’t believe it! I work for the Four Seasons. What a coincidence.”
The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”
12. A woman tells her doctor, “My husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor asks her, “I’m not quite sure what you mean. Could you elaborate?”
She replies, “Well, the first part you can imagine, but he also burned his tongue and broke his finger.”
13. A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, “My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don’t bother waiting up for me.”
He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: “You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you’re not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I’m sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don’t you wait up for me.”
14. A bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing two hikes. They both start running for their lives, but then one of them stops to put on his running shoes.
His friends says, “What are you doing? You can’t outrun a bear!”
His friend replies, “I don’t have to outrun the bear; I only have to outrun you!”
15. “Dad, are bugs good to eat?” asked the boy.
“Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his father replied.
After dinner the father inquired, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?”
“Oh, nothing,” the boy said. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”
16. One morning, two Englishmen are strolling down a London street, when they see a stray dog licking its own testicles.
One of the Englishmen turns to the other and says, “Say, I wish I could do that!”
His mate watches the dog for a moment, sighs longingly, and replies, “I should say so! But don’t you think you ought to get to know him first?”
17. Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?”
The other monster replied, “Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”
18. Atheist: What’s this fly doing in my soup?
Atheist: Very funny. I can’t eat this. Take it back.
Waiter: You see? The fly’s prayers were answered.
19. A small boy was at the zoo with his father. They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were.
“Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up…”
“Yes, son?” the father asked, ready to console him.
“ …Which bus would I take home?”
20. Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the jews are fallin’ victim to temptation.”
Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity… one of the girls must be quite ill.”